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How To Talk About Sex

Are you experiencing some low moments in your sex life? The best way to handle any issues you’re having in the bedroom with your partner is to communicate! Read ahead for some tips on how to approach a conversation about sex, and how to successfully rekindle the spark in your relationship. You’ll be back between the sheets in no time with these five steps!

Step 1: Start the conversation in a non-sexual setting.

The worst time to talk about issues in your sex life is right in the middle of the act. This will only make your partner feel insecure and upset, and will not lead to a productive conversation. Instead, sit down at another time, perhaps over dinner and in the comfort of your home. Reassure your partner that she is beautiful and desirable to you, and that you are interested in improving your sex life. Be kind in your word choice, and try to avoid accusations and just telling her what she’s doing wrong in bed. Instead, take responsibility for your role in the issue, and clearly communicate that you’re looking to improve your sex life. This will put her in a more comfortable place to have the conversation, knowing that she can express her needs without judgement or worry.

Step 2: Be honest about your desire to have a fulfilling, healthy sex life.

This is not the place to be shy! Tell her exactly what you want. If there’s a certain fetish or kink you’ve never explored before and have been wanting to try, this is the time to tell her about it. Be honest with her about what you’re looking for in your sex life, including matters like frequency, duration, and nature of your play time. If your concern is that you’re not having sex often enough, try telling her that you want to connect with her intimately more often and that sex is an important part of the relationship for you. She wants to feel desired and sexy, so explaining that to her will help her feel wanted, and she will be more likely to be open to your suggestions.

Step 3: Listen to her wants, needs, and concerns.

This is probably the most important part of the conversation. A sexual connection between two people requires that everyone feels that their needs are being met. If she’s been uncomfortable about issues like her body or feeling insecure about her inability to orgasm, then this is a good time to explore those concerns. This is the part of the conversation for you to stop talking and just listen. Accusations and pointing fingers won’t accomplish anything, and will just make her shut down, so be sure to allow her space to express what she is having issues with in your sex life. Chances are there is something she’s been worried about and has been too afraid to tell you. Try to avoid feeling defensive during this part. There may be some things you’re doing in bed that don’t work for her, and that’s exactly why you’re talking! The only way you’ll be able to resolve your concerns is if you’re honest with each other.

Step 4: Suggest ways to improve your dynamic in the bedroom.

Just telling her what isn’t working in bed won’t get anywhere: you need to have some solutions in mind as well. Take some time before the conversation to brainstorm specific ways to improve your sex life. For example, if one of your concerns is how often you’re having sex, you can work  to schedule time in during the week to be intimate together. If she expressed that she isn’t always in the mood for sex because she’s concerned about stressors in life like work and home responsibilities, offer to pick up the slack with housework and take some of the burden off her plate. Is there a kink you’ve been wanting to try, but she’s not comfortable with it yet? Let her know that it’s something that is important to you, and that you would really appreciate her openness to experimenting. Remember, no is a complete sentence. If she doesn’t want to try something, then she shouldn’t feel pressured into it by you. Instead, offer to try some new things that she wants to do, and keep an open mind about other ways to get your needs met.

Step 5: Say thank you!

Talking about sex can be very vulnerable and difficult. She may be emotional at the end of the conversation, so the best way to wrap up your talk is to express your gratitude to her for being willing to sit down and be honest with you. Reassure her that you find her beautiful, and that you want your sex life to improve because you care about her and your relationship. Helping her feel safe will allow her to be more open to having conversations about sex in the future, and will definitely pay off for your sex life. Lastly, be sure to follow through on what you agreed on! Words are meaningless without actions. It’s important for her to see that you’re willing to meet her halfway with her wants and needs, so make sure that you back up your conversation with behavior change.